Growing up in an unstable and dysfunctional home, where my mother was the disciplinarian and my father was more like a friend, I often questioned whether or not my mom loved me, and I grew to resent her.
When I found out she had cancer and was going to pass away I was confused by the relief I felt. I pushed those feelings somewhere deep inside and went years without thinking about her.
Then I became an alcoholic and drug addict just like her and finally understood her position. I realized I was affecting my daughter the same way. And I was overwhelmed with guilt about resenting my mother and being relieved of her passing.
I missed her so much and I wanted so badly to tell her I was sorry for how I had felt and that I loved her unconditionally.
And so I wrote this poem.
Since being clean I have begun, very slowly, to face this grief I have so long tried to bury. It is a process for me. I have been able to make amends to my mother by writing a letter to her and reading it to her at her gravesite. And I continue everyday my living amends to her by staying sober and trying to be the best daughter, sister, and mother I can be at this time.
“What’s taken for granted
Is sometimes taken away
To teach you a lesson
They cannot stay
For so long I’ve felt guilty
Responsible and empty inside
All these years spent wishing
I could turn back time
Just for a moment
To run to you and say
How much I’ve always loved you
And how much I miss you everyday.”